A bad person dies and is greeted by Saint Peter. Peter tells the man he must choose between three hells.
The first hell is very hot and he sees a lot of people burning in fire. The next hell is freezing cold and he sees people shivering and clamouring. In the third hell he sees people standing in shit up to their waist but they look quite happy. They are drinking a cup of coffee and are chatting with each other. So the bad person says to Peter, “I choose the third hell with all the people standing in shit up to their waist.”
So Peter admits the bad person to the third hell. He gets a cup of coffee and feels quite comfortable. Suddenly he hears a beep from a loud speaker that says, “Attention. Attention. Coffee break is over. It’s time to stand on your head now.”
After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed that a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than he.
“I don’t understand,” he complained to God. “I devoted my entire life to my congregation.”
“Our policy here in heaven is to reward results, ” God explained. “Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?”
“Well,” the minister had to admit, “some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time.”
“Exactly,” said God, “and when people rode in this man’s taxi, they not only stayed wake, they even prayed.”
Two men died and went to heaven. God greeted them, and said “I’m sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions aren’t ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be.”
“Great!” said the first guy, “I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!”
“No problem,” replied God, and POOF! The guy was gone. “And what do you want to be,” God asked the other guy.
“I’d like to be one cool stud!” was the reply.
“Easy,” replied God, and the other guy was gone.
After a few months, their mansions were finished, and God sent an angel to fetch them back. “You’ll find them easily,” he says, “One of them is soaring above the Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Detroit!”
Three buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation. They are all asked, “When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?
The first guy says, “I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.”
The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.”
The last guy replies, “I would like to hear them say ‘LOOK, HE’S MOVING!!!!!”
A guy dies and goes to the gates of heaven where he meets God. God says to him, “I have looked at your book of life and you are welcome in heaven under one condition.”
The man said, “Yes, God. And what is that condition?”
God says, “You must spell the word: love.”
The man spells the word and God lets him into heaven.
As the man walks in, God tells the man to watch the gate until he returns, and reminds him that he must ask whoever comes to spell the word.
After a short period of time, the man’s wife shows up at the gate.
“What are you doing here?” he asks her.
“Well,” she snorts, “on the way home from the funeral, there was an accident and I died.”
“Alright, but before you enter heaven you have to spell one word.” he told her.
“What word is that?” she asks.
“Czechoslovakia.” he says.
The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven. He is met at the gates of heaven by the gatekeeper.
The gatekeeper says, “Well, Forrest, it’s certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we’ve been administering an entrance exam for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into heaven.”
Forrest responds, “It shore is good to be here. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams. Shore hope the test ain’t too hard; life was a big enough test as it was.”
The gatekeeper goes on, “Yes, I know Forrest. But, the test I have has only three questions. Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter ‘T’? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? Third, what is God’s first name?”
Forrest goes away to think the questions over. Forrest returns the next day and goes up to the gatekeeper to try to answer the exam questions.
The gatekeeper waves him up and asks, “Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.”
Forrest says, “Well, the first one, how many days of the week begin with the letter ‘T’? Shucks, that one’s easy; that’d be Today and Tomorrow.”
The gatekeeper’s eyes opened wide and he exclaims, “Forrest! That’s not what I was thinking, but… you do have a point though, and I guess I didn’t specify, so I give you credit for that answer. How about the next one? How many seconds in a year?”
“Now that one’s harder,” says Forrest. “But, I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.”
Astounded, the gatekeeper says, “Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?”
Forrest says, “Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second…….”
“Hold it,” interrupts the gatekeeper. “I see where you’re going with it. And I guess I see your point, though that wasn’t quite what I had in mind. I’ll give you credit for that one too. Let’s go on with the next and final question. Can you tell me God’s first name?”
Forrest says, “Well, shore, I know God’s first name. Everybody knows it. It’s Howard.”
“Howard?” asks the gatekeeper. “What makes you think it’s Howard?”
Forrest answers, “It’s in the prayer.”
“The prayer?” asks the gatekeeper, “Which prayer?”
“You know, the Lord’s Prayer,” responds Forrest: “Our Father, which art in Heaven, Howard be thy name……”
Three knuckleheads died in a car accident and landed in heaven together. God addressed the first one, “Before you are allowed to enter heaven you must answer a question. What can you tell me about Easter.”
The first one looked puzzled for a moment then said, “Oh, I know. That’s the holiday in the fall when you pig out on Turkey and watch football games all day.”
“Wrong!” said God and the first one disappeared in a puff of smoke. God turned to the second one and asked him about Easter.
“Isn’t that the holiday in December when you get gifts and decorate a dead tree?”
“Wrong!” said God and the second one disappeared in a puff of smoke.
The last one looked nervous as God turned to him.
“What can you tell me about Easter?” God asked.
“Well that’s the holiday that occurs in early spring. It begins on the day Jesus was hung on a cross between two criminals and made to wear a crown of thorns. He dies and they bury him in a cave and roll a rock over the entrance to seal it. On the third day, Jesus is supposed to rise from the dead. So they roll the stone away from the cave entrance and if Jesus pops his head out it means six more weeks of winter.”
A highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and died. She arrived in heaven where she was met by God.
“Welcome to heaven,” said God. “Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. Strangely enough, we’ve never once had an executive make it this far and we’re not really sure what to do with you.”
“No problem God, just let me in.” said the woman.
God replied, “What we’re going to do is let you spend a day in hell and a day in heaven and then you can choose where you want to spend an eternity.”
God put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at heaven and found God waiting for her.
“Now it’s time to spend a day in heaven,” God said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and God came and got her.
“So, you’ve spent a day in hell and you’ve spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,” God said.
The woman paused for a second and then replied, “Well, I never thought I’d say this, I mean, heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in hell.”
So God escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
“I don’t understand,” stammered the woman, “yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.”
The devil looked at her and smiled. “Yesterday we were recruiting you; today you’re staff.”
God greeted two newcomers to heaven. One was a preacher, the other was a lawyer. He ushered the preacher to a small shack and settled him in to his austere quarters; then led the lawyer to a huge, luxuriously appointed mansion.
“I don’t understand,” the lawyer puzzled. “That man was a preacher, and you gave him a shack. And yet, you’ve said I am to live in this luxurious, huge mansion. Why?”
“Sir,” said God, “We’ve had lots and lots of preachers, here. But you, sir, are our very first LAWYER.”
A priest dies and goes to heaven. There, he is met by a reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.
He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent “Easy Reading” to the original script.
All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels come running to him, only to find the priest huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering, “An ‘R’! They left out the ‘R’.”
God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is. After collecting his wits, the priest sobs again, “It’s the letter ‘R’ … the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!”
Two buddies, Bob and Earl, were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they poured over every box score during the season. They went to sixty games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.
One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy.
A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob’s voice from beyond.
“Bob is that you?” Earl asked.
“Of course it me,” Bob replied.
“This is unbelievable!” Earl exclaimed. “So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?”
“Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?”
“Tell me the good news first.”
“Well, the good news is that yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl.”
“Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?”
“You’re pitching tomorrow night.”
Once a preacher was having his usual sermon when all of a sudden there was a cloud burst. After about one full hour of complete non-stop rain, everyone began to evacuate because the whole church was flooding, but the preacher just stood there preaching in the ankle-deep water.
A man drives by in a car and shouts through the church doors, “Preacher, you better get out of there before you drown!”
The preacher replied, “Don’t worry. God will save me.”
The man then drove away.
The water was now knee-deep and a man in a raft floated over to the church and said to the preacher, “You better get in here before you drown!”
Despite the second warning the preacher just stood there and replied, “Don’t worry. God will save me.”
The man then rowed away.
The water was now waist-deep and a man in a power boat came to the preacher and said, “You better get out of there before you drown!”
Despite the third warning the preacher just stood there and replied “Don’t worry. God will save me.” With that the man jetted away.
The water was now neck-deep and a man in a helicopter came by and yelled to the preacher, “You better get out of there before you drown!”
The preacher refused to move and replied “Don’t worry. God will save me.”
With that the man flew away.
The water then got so deep that the preacher was sucked under and died. When he opened his eyes he noticed that he was in heaven.
He then saw God and asked “Oh God! Why didn’t you save me from that horrible flood?”
God then replied, “I sent you a car, a raft, a power boat, and a helicopter! What else do you want from me?”
Lying in the hospital bed, a dying man began to flail about and make motions as if he would like to speak. The priest, keeping watch at the side of his bed leaned quietly over and asked, “Do you have something you would like to say?”
The man nodded to the affirmative, and the priest handed him a pad and pen.
“I know you can’t speak, but use this to write a note and I will give it to your wife. She’s waiting just outside.”
Gathering his last bit of strength, the man took them and scrawled his message upon the pad which he stuffed into the priest’s hands.
Then, moments later, the man died.
After administering the last rites, the priest left to break the sad news to the wife. After consoling her a bit, the priest handed her the note.
“Here were his last words. Just before passing on, he wrote this message to you.”
The wife tearfully opened the note which read: “GET OFF MY OXYGEN HOSE!!”
Three men died in a car accident and met God in heaven.
“I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth you will enter heaven, but if you lie … hell is waiting for you,” God told them.
To the first man God asked, “How many times did you cheat on your wife?”
The first man replied, “I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife.”
God replied, “Very good! Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion and a limo for your transportation.”
To the second man God asked, “How many times did you cheat on your wife?”
The second man replied, “I cheated on my wife twice.”
God replied, “I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a four-bedroom house and a BMW.”
To the third man God asked, “So, how many times did you cheat on your wife?”
The third man replied, “I cheated on my wife about eight times.”
God replied, “I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment, and a Yugo for your transportation.
A couple of hours later, the second and third men saw the first man crying his eyes out.
“Why are you crying?” the two men asked. “You got the mansion and limo!”
The first man replied, “I’m crying because I saw my wife a little while ago riding a skateboard!”
As soon as Mrs. Jones arrived at the gates of heaven she sought her husband, who had died several years before.
“Excuse me,” she said, approaching the gatekeeper, “but I’m looking for my husband. I wonder if you can help me.”
“What is his name?” the gatekeeper inquired.
“Harry . . . Harry Jones.” she replied.
The gatekeeper stroked his chin. “There are many here who have that name. What else can you tell me about him?”
Blurting out the first thing that came to mind, she said, “Well, the last thing he said before he died was that if I were ever unfaithful to him, he would turn in his grave.”
“Ah!” said the gatekeeper, “you’re looking for Pin-Wheel Harry!”
Two men are waiting at the gates of heaven and strike up a conversation.
“How’d you die?” the first man asks the second.
“I froze to death,” says the second.
“That’s awful,” says the first man, “how does it feel to freeze to death?”
“It’s very uncomfortable at first”, says the second man. “You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it’s a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you’re sleeping. How about you, how did you die?”
“I had a heart attack,” says the first man. “You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly but found her alone watching television. I ran around the house looking for her lover but could find no one. As I ran up the stairs to the attic, I had a massive heart attack and died.”
The second man shakes his head. “That’s so ironic,” he says.
“What do you mean?” asks the first man.
“If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we’d both still be alive.”
A man spoke with the Lord about heaven and hell. The Lord said to the man, “Come, I will show you hell.” They entered a room where a group of people sat around a huge pot of stew. Everyone was famished, desperate and starving. Each held a spoon that reached the pot, but each spoon had a handle so much longer than their own arm that it could not be used to get the stew into their own mouths. The suffering was terrible.
“Come, now I will show you heaven,” the Lord said after a while. They entered another room, identical to the first – the pot of stew, the group of people, the same long-handled spoons. But there everyone was happy and well-nourished.
“I don’t understand,” said the man. “Why are they happy here when they were miserable in the other room and everything was the same?”
The Lord smiled, “Ah, it is simple,” he said. “here they have learned to feed each other.”