The page is dedicated to the infamous Little Johnny.
One day the teacher came to class with a rose placed in her cleavage.
She asked, “Can anyone tell me what roses drink? How about you, Jonny?”
“Milk!” answered little Johnny.
“No, I’m sorry. That’s the wrong answer. Roses drink water,” explained the teacher.
“Wow!” Johnny exclaimed. “I didn’t know the stem was that long!”
Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetics.
“Why?” asks the father.
“The teacher asked ‘How much is 2×3?’ I said ‘6’”
“But that’s right!”
“Then she asked me ‘How much is 3×2?'”
“What’s the fucking difference?”
“That’s exactly what I said.”
Five years old Johnny and his little sister are peeping through a keyhole at their parents making love.
“Wow, look at them! And we are not allowed even to stick a finger in our nose!”
Johnny and his father are observing a couple of dogs screwing each other.
“Dad, what’re the dogs doing?” asks Johnny.
“Well, the one below has relaxed and the one above has concentrated.”
“Okay, I’ve understood.”
“What’ve you understood!?” asks the father sarcastically.
“Never relax in your life, dad, or you’ll get fucked like a dog!”
Johnny’s parents were out of town once and so they asked that young female teacher to stay for that time in their house.
Before going to bed Johnny says to her, “Oh, please, I’m so afraid to be by myself, please, sleep in my bed.”
She agrees, they go to bed. In the morning she wakes up to find a big hairy-chested man in her bed.
She exclaims: “Johnny? Where is Johnny?!!!”
“Johnny? Who is Johnny? Is that the little boy selling the tickets?”
Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, “Mom, what are those things on your chest?”
Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten. Johnny didn’t forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, “Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.”
Johnny thinks that’s neat and asks no more questions.
A few weeks later, Johnny’s dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of
the house crying hysterically, “Daddy! Daddy! Mommy’s dying!”
His father says, “Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy’s dying?”
“Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommy’s balloons and she’s screaming ‘Oh God, I’m coming!'”
Nursery school teacher says to her class, “Who can use the word ‘Definitely’ in a sentence?”
First a little girl says “The sky is definitely blue.”
Teacher says, “Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange…”
Second little boy…”Trees are definitely green.”
“Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown.”
Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks: “Does a fart have lumps?”
The teacher looks horrified and says, “Johnny! Of course not!!!”
“OK… then I’ve DEFINITELY shat in my pants…”
Little Johnny is lying in his bed one night and just can’t get to sleep. He decides to go to his parent’s room to go chat to them. Upon entering their room, he sees their blankets going
Johnny: Mommy, daddy, what are you doing?
Parents: We are playing cards, now GET OUT!
So Johnny decides to go into hisgrandparent’s room, only to find the blankets going up-and-down.
Johnny: Granny, Grandpa, what are you doing?
Grandpa: Get out! We are playing cards!
Feeling rejected, Johnny goes back to his own room and gets back into bed. A while later both his parents, and grandparents feel bad for yelling at him so decide to go and apologize. Upon entering his room, they see the blankets going up-and-down.
“Johnny! What are you doing??!!”
Johnny: I’m playing cards.
Grandpa: But who’s your partner?
Johnny: With a hand like this, who needs a partner?
The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words. She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more than one syllable.
“Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?”
After some thought Jane proudly replied, “Monday.”
“Great Jane. That has two syllables, Mon……day.”
“Does anyone know another word.”
“I do! I do!” replied Johnny.
Knowing Johnny’s more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead, “OK Mike, what is your word.”
“Saturday.” says Mike.
“Great, that has three syllables…”
Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says, “I know a four syllable word. Pick me! Pick me!”
Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says, “OK. Johnny what is your four syllable word?”
Johnny proudly says, “Mas…tur…ba…tion.”
Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, “Wow, Johnny. Four syllables! That’s certainly is a mouthful.”
“No Ma’am, your thinking of ‘blowjob’, and that’s only two syllables.”
Little Jonny was in the toilets at school taking a wee. Another boy entered the toilet and also
started to take a wee.
The other boy says “Hey Johnny, your dick is bigger than mine,” to which little Johnny replies “That’s nothing, my father has 2 dicks!”
The other boy replies, “That’s not possible!”
But little Johnny says it is and that he has seen them.
The other boy says, “Oh yeah, what do they look like,” to which little Johnny replies, “One is small and wrinkly and he uses it for weeing, the other is long and stiff and he uses it for brushing mum’s teeth.”
A guy’s walking down the street and sees little Johnny smoking a cigarette.
He says, ‘Kid, you’re too young to smoke. How old are you?’
Johnny says, ‘Six.’
The guy says, ‘Six? When did you start smoking?’
Johnny says, ‘Right after the first time I got laid.’
The guy says, ‘Right after the first time you got laid? When was that?’
Johnny says, ‘I don’t remember. I was drunk.’
Little Johnny was in a spelling bee in class. He had to spell the word ear and use it in a sentence. The teacher asked him to please spell the word ‘ear’. Little Johnny stood up and proudly said ‘E-A-R’. Then to use it in a sentence, he pretended to take a big hit off a joint and then while pretending to have his lungs full of smoke he pretended to pass the joint to Little Suzy and said, “‘ear.”
One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises his/her hand. The teacher says, “See it’s long neck? What animal has a long neck?”
Sally holds up her hand and asks if it’s a giraffe.
“Very good Sally,” the teacher replies.
Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up his or her hands.
“See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?”
Billy holds up his hand and says, “It is a zebra.”
“Very good Billy,” the teacher replies.
Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students holds up his/her hand.
“See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?”
Still no one guesses.
“Let me give you another hint, it’s something your mother calls your father.”
Johnny shouts out, “I know what it is, it’s a horny bastard!”
Little Johnny was in school one day when the teacher brought around cookies for snack time. “Here little Johnny, have a cookie.”
“I don’t fucking want one,” declared Johnny.
The teacher was shocked. She called little Johnny’s mother and scheduled her to come in for a meeting the next day. When little Johnny’s mother arrived, the teacher had her hide behind the curtain until snack time came around. As she came to little Johnny, she again told him, “Here little Johnny. It’s time for your cookie.”
“I don’t fucking want one,” stated little Johnny again.
The teacher pulled aside the curtain and said to his mother, “See? Did you hear what he said?”
“Yeah, so don’t fucking give him a cookie,” said little Johnny’s mother.
Little Johnny drew a fly on the class grade book. Miss Baker saw the fly sitting on the
notebook and slammed it with a ruler. The fly didn’t fly away. So she slammed the log once again, again, the fly didn’t fly away. This drove Miss Baker really mad, so she started to pound the log with the ruler and, as a result, the grade book became a bunch of torn sheets of paper. Then Miss Baker called little Johnny’s father to school.
“You see what your son did to our class grade book?”
“That’s nothing.” replied the father.
“Last month, he drew a naked woman on a fence and then, for two weeks straight, I had to pull splinters out of my dick.”
One afternoon a teacher was sitting outside with her class and asked the young children to tell her an invisible colour.
Little Jenny put up her hand and said, “The moon covering the sun. Invisible red!”
“Well done,” said the teacher, and gave her 50c.
Little Johnny put up his hand and said, “2 dogs rooting, invisible red!”
The teacher was dumb founded.
“That’s awful, Johnny. You’re not getting a cent.”
“Shove the money up your ass”, replied little Johnny. “Invisible brown!!!”
Little Johnny had to walk by a whorehouse on his way to school everyday. A prostitute always sat outside and called out, “Hi, little Johnny,” while wiggling her pinkie.
Little Johnny asked why she always wiggled her pinkie at him.
“Well that’s about the size of your privates, isn’t it?”, she laughed at him.
The next day, little Johnny walked by and she did it again, wiggling her pinkie, “Hi little Johnny” to which Johnny replied, putting his fingers in his mouth to spread apart his lips and stretched out his mouth, “How you doing, lady!”
For show and tell one day, Johnny is telling his class about the time he saw a cat go flying down a hill on a skateboard and run into a dog’s ass. The teacher corrects his grammar by saying, “That’s rectum, Johnny.”
Johnny replies, “Wrecked him, hell, it nearly killed him.”
Little Johnny went to the chemist, and waited for the chemists rather straight mother to serve
“Could I have six condoms please miss?”
“Don’t you miss me young man!” said the straight old cheese.
“O.K.” replied little Johnny, “better make that seven!”.
Little Johnny was whittling away one day, and didn’t realise that his fly was down, until he nearly cut off his old fella.
His old fella looked up at him and said, “Look mate, I know we’ve had lots of fist fights. But there’s no need to pull a fuckin’ knife on me !”
Little Johnny was out with his grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk.
“What are they doing, grandma?” asked little Johnny.
The grandmother was embarrassed, so she replied, “The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor.”
“They’re just like people, aren’t they grandma?” said little Johnny.
“How do you mean?” asked grandma.
“Offer someone a helping hand,” said little Johnny,” and they fuck you everytime!”
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom.
He yelled out, “Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!”
The teacher replied, “Now, little Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is ‘urinate.’ Please use the word ‘urinate’ in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.”
Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, “You’re an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you’d be a ten!”
Little Johnny came home from school and asked his dad what the difference between reality and potential? The old man thought for a while, then said, “Go and ask your sister if she’d fuck the milkman for a million dollars.”
Little Johnny says, “I can’t ask her that!”
“Just go and do it,” spits the old fart.
Little Johnny came back a couple of minutes later, wide-eyed and said “She said, ‘yes’.”
“Ok now go and ask you mum if she’d root the milkman for a million bucks.”
Little Johnny say’s, “I can’t ask mum that!”
“Just go and do it,” his dad insists.
Little Johnny walked off then came back a minute later.
“I don’t believe it. She said yes to!”
His father smiled.
“Now go and ask your brother if he’d root the milkman for a million bucks.”
Little Johnny went to say something, changed his mind and disappeared. He came back shaking his head.
“He said yes too!?!”
“Well, now you can see the difference, son. Potentially we have 3 million dollars, but in reality, we only have two sluts and a poofter.”
Little Johnny: Mum, what kind of bird brings white babies?
Mother: Why, a stork, little Johnny.
Little Johnny: Mum, what kind of bird brings black babies?
Mother: A raven, dear.
Little Johnny: Then what kind of bird brings no babies at all?
Mother: A swallow!
The teacher, Miss Baker, asks the children what they want to be when they grow up.
“I want to be an actress,” Miss Susie says.
“Good girl, Miss Susie.”
“I want to be an astronaut,” Cliff says.
“Good boy, Cliff.”
“And I want to be a sex therapist,” says little Johnny.
“Would you please tell the class how you think your job is going to be like?”
“Okay, Miss Baker. Look out of the window. Three women are walking down the street, eating ice cream. One is licking, one is sucking, and one is biting. Would you please tell the class, Miss Baker, which one is married?”
“Get out of the class, little Johnny, and come back with your parents!”
“The one that is married, Miss Baker, is the one that has a wedding ring. and it is people like
you, Miss Baker, that I am going to treat.”
Little Johnny goes to his old man, who is watching TV, and asks him, “Dad, what does ‘fuck’ mean?”
Being a progressive type of father, who is stunned that his son hasn’t already been taught this in school, he decides to show his son rather than confuse him with a complicated explanation.
“Follow me son,” he says, and walks towards the bedroom where his wife is waiting for him naked and ready.
“Now you see that hole between your mothers legs? Watch me and you’ll see what fuck means.”
The little Johnny is standing in the doorway watching in amazement when his 7-year-old sister wanders by.
She tugs on his shirtsleeve and asks, “What are mummy and daddy doing?”
Feeling superior in his newfound knowledge he answers, “They’re Fucking!”
“Fucking? What does that mean?” she asks him.
“See that hole between daddy’s legs? Watch me…”
At Sunday school, the teacher asked little Johnny, “Do you know where little boys and girls go when they do bad things?”
“Sure,” little Johnny replied, “They go out in back of the church yard.”
Little Johnny was sitting down the corner playing with a pile of shit. Along came a preacher who saw Johnny and asked him what he was doing.
Johnny said, “I’m making a preacher.”
The preacher told him that was not very nice and walked away.
A couple of minutes later a little old Granny walked up to Johnny and asked what he was doing.
Johnny replied, “I’m making a granny.”
The poor old granny nearly had a heart attack as she stumbled away.
Up the road on the other corner, a fuckwit copper stood. The cop had been watching Johnny for a while and decided to see what he was up to this time. He walked up to Johnny and said, “I suppose you gonna tell me your making a policeman?”
Little Johnny replied, “Nah, I don’t have enough shit to make a pig…”
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first.
Little Lorrii raised her hand and said, “I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God.”
The teacher praises little Lorrii.
A little boy raises his hand. He says, “I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love.”
“Very good,” said the teacher.
The teacher looked up and saw little Johnny’s hand up.
“Oh no,” she thought, “I’m not gonna like this.”
But she said, “Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?”
Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, “Your feet.”
The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first.
He replied, “Well, I was walking past my parents’ bedroom last night and my mum had her feet up in the air and she said, ‘Oh God, I’m coming!'”
A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mum’s bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, “I need a man, I need a man!”
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. Then one day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.
Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, “Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!”
One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving, when little Johnny, a kid from around the neighbourhood, comes in after having mowed the lawn for him, and proceeds to pee in the toilet. Well, little Johnny was rather well endowed (had a HUGE cock) and curiosity got the best of the husband and he just had to look. Sure enough, little Johnny had the largest schlong he had ever seen!!!
The man asked little Johnny, “I don’t mean to be too personal, but how did your dick get that big? I couldn’t help but notice…”
Little Johnny laughed and said, “Every night before bed, I bang it on the bedpost three times. Heck, it impresses the girls at school!”
The husband was excited at the simplicity of this technique and could hardly wait to try it himself! Before he climbed into bed that night, he whipped it out and banged it on the bedpost three times. He was just climbing into bed with new found confidence when the wife sits up, half-asleep and rubbing her eyes, and says, “Little Johnny, is that you?”
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day and the teacher was teaching the alphabet.
“Okay class, today I’m going to call out a letter. You have to stand up when I call on you, recite the letter and a word that begins with the letter. Ready? The first letter is ‘A’.”
Little Johnny, of course, instantly raises his hand eagerly.
The teacher thinks to herself, “I can’t call on little Johnny. He’ll say ‘asshole’ or ‘asswipe’ or something like that.”
So she calls on little Susie. Susie stands up and says, “A. Apple.”
“Very good Susie! Okay class, the next letter is ‘C’.”
Little Johnny again instantly raises his hand in earnest.
Again, the teacher thinks to herself, “I can’t call little Johnny. He’ll say ‘cocksucker’ or ‘cunt’ or ‘crap’ or something like that.”
So she calls on little Bart. Bart stands up and says, “C. Cat.”
“Very good Bart!”
Now the teacher starts thinking that if she doesn’t come up with something for little Johnny to
answer with, she’ll go bonkers. She ponders, “Hmmm, ‘R’ doesn’t have anything too nasty?”
“Ok class, the next letter is ‘R’.”
Little Johnny hesitates and then raises his hand high as he can.
“Okay little Johnny.”
Little Johnny stands up and says, “R. Rats.”
“Very good little Johnny! Ok…”
Little Johnny blurts out, “BIG FUCKING RATS WITH COCKS THIS LONG!!!!”
One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word “beautiful” in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, “My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.”
“Very good, Suzie,” replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
“My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully,” he said.
Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.
“Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, ‘Beautiful, Fucking beautiful!'”
One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn’t have to go to school the following Monday. On the first Friday, the teacher asks, “How many grains of sand are in the beach?”
Needless to say, no one could answer.
The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, “How many stars are in the sky?”… and again no one could answer.
Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3-day weekend. So thursday night, little Johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, “Here’s this week’s question,” little Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing.
The teacher says, “Okay, who’s the comedian with the black balls?”
Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, “Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!”
Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying little Johnny. He began stomping on them in his temper. His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief mument of thought said, “That’s it! No honey for you for one month!”
Later that afternoon, little Johnny pondered upon some butterflies, and soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His father again caught him, and after a brief mument of thought, said, “No butter for you for one month!”
Early that evening, little Johnny’s mother was cooking dinner, and got jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead. Little Johnny’s mother looked up to find little Johnny and his father standing there watching her.
To which little Johnny said, “Are you going to tell her, daddy, or do you want me to?”
Miss Baker is teaching her grade four class, and she’s telling them that the word of the day is ‘contagious.’ She asks if anyone can use this word in a sentence, and several people stick up their hands. “Smithy,” she says.
Smithy says, “My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps, ’cause they’re contagious.”
“Very good,” says the teacher.
Then she picks Suzie, who says, “The atmosphere was contagious,” and the teacher says, “Excellent, Suzie!”
Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up, at the back of the class.
“Yes, little Johnny?” she says.
Little Johnny says, “The other day, me and my dad’s sitting around, and we saw our blonde neighbour painting her fence. She had a tiny little model car paintbrush, and she was going in tiny little strokes up and down the fence, and my dad says to me, “Jesus, it’s gonna take that cunt ages to finish that fence.”
Little Johnny was working hard all day for $1. He was walking home tossing the coin in the air when it suddenly rolled down the gutter. Feeling pretty sad, little Johnny sat in the gutter and cried. A man walked up and asked what was wrong? Little Johnny said, “I worked hard all day for one dollar, and I just dropped it down the drain.”
The man feeling sorry for him, gave him $5.
Thinking swindle on here, little Johnny walked up another street and sat next to the drain and started crying. It wasn’t long before another man stopped and asked what was wrong. He told him the story, and the man handed him $10.
Feeling pleased with himself, little Johnny decided to try it once more. So he sat in the gutter and started crying. He looked up and saw a nun.
“What’s the matter little boy?”
“I worked hard all day for one dollar, and I just dropped it down the drain,” said little Johnny.
The nun handed the little boy 50c and said, “God bless you”.
Little Johnny looked up and said, “Thank you Virgin Mary.”
“That’s alright little boy, but why did you call me the Virgin Mary?”
Little Johnny replied, “Well, you’re the tightest cunt I’ve met today!”
One day, the mother walks by her young son’s room and sees little Johnny masturbating. Later, she has a talk with him and tells him that good little boys save it until they are married. A few weeks later, the mum is having another talk with little Johnny.
“How are you doing with that problem we talked about, dear?” she asks.
Little Johnny cheerfully replies, “Great! So far, I’ve saved nearly a quart!”
A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realises little Johnny’s propensity for sexual innuendo. But little Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class.
One little boy raises his hand, “I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs.”
“Very good, William,” cooed the teacher.
“My mummy had a baby,” said little Susie.
“Oh, that’s nice,” replied the teacher.
Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him.
“I was watching TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time and he killed every one of them with his two guns.”
The teacher was relieved but puzzled, “and what does that have to do with sex education, little Johnny?”
“It’ll teach those Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger.”
Little Johnny is running around the house making life miserable for his mother. She says, “Little Johnny, why don’t you go across the street and watch them build the house. Maybe you can learn some neat things.”
Little Johnny disappears for about four hours and returns later in the afternoon.
“Did you learn anything today?”, his mother asks.
“I learned how to hang a door”, little Johnny replies.
Mum says, “That’s great! How do you do that?”
“Well, first you get the son of a bitch. Then, you slap the piece of shit up there but it’s too fucking small. So you shave a cunt hair off here and a cunt hair off there and put the goddamn thing up.”
Little Johnny’s mum is floored by his language.
“You go to your room and wait until your father gets home!!”
Later, little Johnny’s dad goes into his room and says, “I understand you got in a little trouble today.”
“All I did was tell Mum how to hang a door.”
“Why don’t you tell me”, Dad asks?
“Well, first you get the son of a bitch. Then you slap the piece of shit up there but it’s too fucking small. So you shave a cunt hair off here and a cunt hair off there and put the goddamn
Dad screams, “That’s it young man. You go get a switch from the back yard.”
Little Johnny looks at his dad and says, “Fuck you, that’s the electricians job!”
Little Johnny is bored on day, hanging around the house. He goes into his parents room and finds them having sex.
“What are you doing?” little Johnny asks.
“Uh, well, we’re dancing.” replies his mother.
“What’s daddy doing?”
“He’s my partner, now run along.”
A few nights later, little Johnny goes into his sisters room and catches her having sex with her boyfriend.
“What are you doing?”
“What’s your boyfriend doing?”
“He’s my partner, now get out.”
Then Thanksgiving came around and little Johnny’s relatives were at his house. Johnny went to the bathroom and saw his grandfather beating his meat.
“What are you doing?” little Johnny once again asks.
“Why I’m dancing.” said his grandfather.
“Well, where is your partner?”
His grandfather replied, “When you’ve danced as long as I have, you don’t need a partner.”
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, “Mummy, can little girls have babies?”
“No,” said his mum, “of course not.”
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mum heard him yell to his friends, “It’s okay, we can play that game again!”
Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father tried to concentrate on his Saturday afternoon poker game with friends and relatives. The father tried every way possible to get Little Johnny to occupy himself… television, ice cream, homework, video games… but the youngster insisted on running back and forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held. The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to quit the game and all go home. At this point, the boy’s uncle stood up, took little Johnny by the hand, and led him out of the room. The uncle soon returned back to the poker table without little Johnny and without comment, the game resumed. For the rest of the afternoon, little Johnny was nowhere to be seen and the card players continued without any further interruptions. After the poker game ended, the father asked little Johnny’s uncle, “What in the world did you do to little Johnny? I haven’t heard a peep from him all day!”
“Not much,” the boy’s uncle replied, “I just showed him how to jerk off.”
Little Johnny can’t sleep. So he gets up and enters his parents bedroom. It’s not too late and his folks are caught in a very revealing and compromising position. Little Johnny is shocked! “Daddy! Mummy! What’s wrong! Are you okay?” he asks hesitantly.
His father being the quick thinker that he is stammers, “Um! Your mummy and I are, ummm, making you a baby brother or sister to play with. It takes a while and it looks funny but that’s how it’s done.”
Little Johnny thinks for a while and nods in satisfaction. His dad is extremely pleased and sends him back to bed.
A week later, little Johnny is bawling his head off on the front porch.
“What’s wrong little Johnny?” asked his worried father.
“You know my baby brother you and mummy were making?”
“Yeah?,” little Johnny cries,
“Well, while you were at work, mummy let the mailman in and he ate my baby brother!!”
A few days after Christmas, a mother working in her kitchen was listening to her little Johnny playing with his new electric train in the adjoining room. She heard the train stop and the son said, “All you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off right now, ’cause this is the last stop… and all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the goddamn
train ’cause we’re leaving.”
The mother went in and told her son, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room for two hours and think about what you said, and when you come out you may play with your train again, but I want you to use much nicer language.”
Two hours later, the son came out of his bedroom and resumed playing with the train. Soon the train stopped and mother heard her son say, “All passengers who are disembarking, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. Thank you for riding with us today and we hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you boarding, we ask you to stow your hand luggage under the seat. Remember please that there is no smoking except in the Club Car. We hope you will have a pleasant relaxing journey with us today. For those of you who are pissed off because of the two hour delay, please see the ugly stinking bitch in the kitchen!”
“Mum,” says little Johnny, “Sharon and Dave were fighting an eel last night.”
“What do you mean?” asks his mum thinking he must have had a dream about his big sister and her boyfriend.
“Well,” says little Johnny, “I was sneaking down to the fridge last night when I saw them. They were hugging with most of the lights off when Sharon’s face started to go a bit funny. Dave must have known this because he put his hand up her blouse to feel her heart. It took him a long time to find it and by this time he was sick too because he looked hot and his face was funny. His other hand was getting cold, I know that because he put it up her skirt. Then I saw what was making them sick. This big eel had got into Dave’s jeans. I know it worried them because when it sprang out, Sharon collapsed back on the couch and said, ‘Oh bloody hell, it’s huge.’ Dave grabbed her hair and she tried to bite its head off but soon she made a noise and let it go. It must have bitten her back. Sharon grabbed it tight and held it with both hands and Dave got something out of his pocket. I couldn’t see that bit too well but it looked like he was trying to tie it up. They had a go at killing it but the eel put up a hell of a fight. Sharon got her legs round it, better than world wrestling that grip she had, and Dave was bouncing up and down on top trying to crush it. They were really getting a good sweat on and moaning and stuff. In the end, Dave gave his huge grunt and it all stopped. The eel was lying there when he rolled off. Sharon must have been scared by this because Dave had to cuddle and kiss her a bit to bring her round. He felt for her heart again to check she was alright but just when she’d started to mumble a bit, bugger me if that eel didn’t stand up again. The eel didn’t seem to have as much energy but it didn’t half struggle and in the end Sharon did Dave’s job. She sat on it and bounced up and down for about half an hour, the sweat was rolling off her, and she kept gasping hard for breath and moaning and everything. Dave had to keep checking her heart but he couldn’t remember which side of her chest it was and he kept reaching for both sides. It took ages but this time they really did kill the thing. I know that because right afterwards, Dave skinned it and flushed it away.”
Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him to hide behind the curtain one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did, and the following morning Johnny described everything to his mother.
Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started to kiss and hug her, I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started loooking funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he’s not as good as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I know it was a fever because sis told him that she was really HOT. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick…. a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there about 9 inches long. HONEST! Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it she got really scared. Her eyes got big and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. I should tell her about the ones I saw at the lake! Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go… I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel’s head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it. And he helped by laying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them. After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend sat up and sure enough they had killed the eel… I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went on courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. And by golly, the eel wasn’t dead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats…. they have nine lives or something. This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about 35 minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was dead this time because I saw sis’s boyfriend peel off the skin and flush it down the toilet.
Little Johnny was sitting on his backyard swing set with some of his sixth grade schoolmates one Saturday when they started to tell some jokes to each other. Little Susie started off by saying, “Knock, knock?”
Everyone answered, “Who’s there?”
Susie says, “Boo!”
Everyone replied, “Boo who?”
To which Susie said, “Why are you all crying?” and everyone broke out laughing.
At this point, little Johnny got up and started into his joke, “Hey, did you all hear about the prostitute who got fingered by Captain Hook?”
Immediately, little Johnny’s mother, who was nearby watering the roses and had heard little Johnny start off, came rushing over and shouted, “Alright, little Johnny! That’s enough! In fact, all of you kids can go home now. Leave, please.”
The following Saturday, little Johnny again invited his friends over, this time to play some video games. During a lull in the action, little Johnny said to everyone, “You know, there’s a rumour going around that a bus load of prostitutes will be leaving in the morning for that big gold find up in Alaska. And they say…”
This time again, little Johnny’s mother was in the kitchen and came stomping in after having heard him. She said demandingly as she gathered his friends together and shuffled them towards the door, “Okay kids, it’s getting late. All of you will have to leave now.”
Little Johnny was puzzled and yelled back at them, “Hey! Hold on, hold on! There’s still plenty of time ’cause the bus doesn’t leave till morning!”
Little Johnny asks his mother how old she is. Her reply is, “Gentlemen don’t ask ladies that question.”
Little Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs.
Again the mother’s reply is, “Gentlemen don’t ask ladies that question.”
The boy then asks, “Why did daddy leave you?”
To this, the mother says, “You shouldn’t ask that,” and then sends him to his room. On the way to his room, the boy trips over his mother’s purse. When he picks it up, her driver’s license falls out. The boy looks it over and goes back to his mother saying, “I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and daddy left you because you got an ‘F’ in sex!”
Little Johnny had been waiting in a long line to sit on the department store Santa’s lap when he finally gets his turn at it and climbs up. Santa say to little Johnny, touching the little boy on the nose with his finger, “I’ll bet you’d like a puppy for Christmas.”
Little Johnny shakes his head, “No.”
Santa touches the little Johnny’s nose with his finger again, “Well, then I’ll bet you’d like a kitten for Christmas.”
Little Johnny again shakes his head, “No….”
The department store Santa then asked, “Well then, what would you like for Christmas, little boy?”
Little Johnny replies with a big grin, “I want some pussy!”
Santa, startled and almost speechless, stutters, “Well, I don’t have any of that!?!?”
Little Johnny, touching Saint Nick on nose, answers back smiling, “Yes you do, because I can smell it on your finger!”
Little Johnny had a gambling problem. He’d bet on anything. One day, little Johnny’s father consulted his teacher. The teacher said, “Sir, I think I know how to teach little Johnny a real lesson. We’ll trap him into a big wager that he’ll lose.”
Little Johnny’s father agreed to cooperate with the plan.
The next day at school, the teacher watched little Johnny making wagers with the other children, and she said, “Little Johnny, I want you to remain after class.”
When all the other children left the classroom, little Johnny walked up to the teacher and, before she could say anything, he told her, “Don’t say it. I know what you’re going to say, but you’re a liar!!”
“Little Johnny!” the startled teacher said, “What are you talking about?!?”
“You’re a fake!”, little Johnny continued, “How can I believe anything you tell me? You’ve got this blond hair on top, but I’ve seen your bush and it’s pitch black!”
Trying to keep her composure and stay cool, the teacher said, “Little Johnny that isn’t true.”
“I’ll bet a dollar that your bush is black as night!” little Johnny challenged.
The teacher saw her chance to teach little Johnny a lesson. “Make it twenty dollars and you have a bet,” she said.
“You’re on!” little Johnny whipped out a twenty-dollar bill. Before anyone could come into the room, the teacher quickly pulled up her dress, dropped her panties, spread her legs, and showed Little Johnny that her pubic hair was as blonde as the hair on her head.
Little Johnny hung his head in defeat. “You win,” he said, handing her the twenty-dollar bill.
The teacher could hardly wait for little Johnny to leave so she could call his father back. She reported to him what had happened. “Sir,” she said, “I think we’ve finally taught him a lesson.”
“The hell we have,” the father muttered. “This morning, little Johnny bet me fifty dollars that he’d get to see your pussy before the day was over.”
Little Johnny greeted his mother at the door after she had been out of town all week and said, “Mummy, guess what? Yesterday, I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and Daddy came into the room with the lady from next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and then Daddy got on top of her and -“
The mother held up her hand and said, “Not another word! Wait until your father gets home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you’ve just told me.”
The father comes home and the wife tells him that she’s leaving him.
“But why?” croaks the husband.
“Go ahead, little Johnny, tell Daddy just what you told me.”
“Well,” said little Johnny, “I was playing in your closet and Daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and Daddy got on top of her and they did just what you did, Mummy, with Uncle Bob when Daddy was away last summer!”
Little Johnny took his new chemistry set down to the basement where he stayed all afternoon mixing various liquids together. Eventually, his dad went down and found him surrounded by test tubes, pounding something into the wall.
“Why are you hammering a nail into the wall?” asked the dad.
“It’s not a nail,” said little Johnny.
“It’s a worm! I tried to bring this worm back to life with my special chemical mixture, but my formula made the worm hard as a rock.”
Little Johnny showed his dad the liquid mix that he had soaked the worm in, and his dad said, “I’ll tell you what. You give me the test tube with your special chemical mixture in it and I’ll buy you a Toyota.”
So little Johnny handed the test tube over.
The next day, when little Johnny got home from school, he saw a brand new Mercedes-Benz parked in the driveway. He then asked his dad about the car.
“Oh,” said the father, “your Toyota is in the garage. The Mercedes is from your mother.”
Little Johnny came home from school one day and said to his father, “Dad, what can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school tomorrow.”
The father thought some and said, “Okay, son, the best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy. Let’s say that I’m capitalism because I’m the breadwinner. Your mother will be government because she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she works for us, and you will be the people because you answer to us, and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?”
Little Johnny said, “Well, Dad, I don’t know, but I’ll think about what you said.”
Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, little Johnny was woken up by his brother’s crying. Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper. So, he went down the hall to his parent’s bedroom and found his father’s side of the bed empty and his mother wouldn’t wake up. Then he saw a light on in the guestroom down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the maid. Because he couldn’t do anything else, he turned and went back to bed. The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table, “Dad, I think I understand politics much better now.”
“Excellent, my boy,” he answered, “What have you learned?”
Little Johnny thought for a minute and said, “I learned that capitalism is screwing the working class, government is sound asleep ignoring the people, and the future’s full of shit.”
Little Johnny and Miss Susie in an arithmetic class: “You know, little Johnny, I am really bad at arithmetic.”
“That’s nothing. Looks like I’ve got the clap.”
Miss Baker sees that students are talking during a class period.
“Little Johnny, how much is 3 times 7?”
“Oh, Miss Baker, I’d like to have your worries. 21.”
A father asked his son, little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees.
“I don’t want to know!” little Johnny said, exploding and bursting into tears.
Confused, his father asked little Johnny what was wrong.
“Oh Pop,” Johnny sobbed, “for me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you’re telling me now that grownups don’t really have sex, I’ve got nothing left to believe in!”
One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday. little Johnny’s father said, “Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas!”
Christmas came around, and little Johnny asked again. The father said, “Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry kiddo. Ask me again some other time.”
Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father felt sorry for him, and asked him why he was leaving.
Little Johnny said, “Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were ‘pulling out,’ and mommy said that ‘you should wait because she was coming, too.’ And I’ll be DAMNED if I’m gonna stuck with your $80,000 mortgage!”
Little Johnny’s mother decided to give her son and anatomy lesson one day, so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina, and said, “Johnny, this is where you came from.”
Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting all his friends now refer to him as Lucky Johnny.
“Why?” one asked.
Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said, “Because I came this close to being a turd.”
Little Johnny and Susie are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Susie’s father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says “Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.”
Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, “Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?”
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies “In Susie’s room. It’s bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.”
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, “Okay then how will you live? You’re not old enough to get a job. You’ll need to support Susie.”
Again, Johnny instantly replies, “Our allowance – Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That’s about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine.”
By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won’t have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, “Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?”
Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says, “Well, we’ve been lucky so far.”
The teacher told her class the word of the day was “dictate” and who could spell it.
Johnny raises his hand and he says d-i-k-t-a-t-e.
Teacher says sorry that’s wrong and calls on Betty.
Betty says d-i-c-k-t-a-t-e.
Sorry says the teacher, that’s not right.
She calls on Darla and Darla says d-i-c-t-a-t-e.
‘Very good Darla’, says the teacher, ‘that’s correct’.
‘Now’, says the teacher, ‘who can use this word in a sentence?’
Johnny raises his hand. ‘I know-I know’, he says.
OK says the teacher, please use the word Johnny.
Johnny says, ‘How did my dictate last night, Darla?’
A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.
She quickly turned and asked, “What’s so funny Pat?”
“Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters.”
“Get out of my classroom,” she yells, “I don’t want to see you for three days.”
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, “What’s so funny Billy?”
“Well miss, I just saw both of your garters.”
Again she yells, “Get out of my classroom!” This time the punishment is more severe, “I don’t want to see you for three weeks.”
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see little Johnny leaving the classroom.
“Where do you think you are going?” she asks.
“Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over.”
Lil’ Johnny is in school and the teacher is having children make sentences out of words. She gives a few examples and the kids participate. She gives the word “fascinate”. Johnny like really wants to get picked bad on this one. Teacher says ok go ahead.
“My sister she has really big tits. She got this blouse for Xmas and it has 10 buttons on it, but she could only fasten eight.”
Little Johnny is sitting, being his cool self in the local park. Along comes Suzi chomping on her piece of gum.
“Hey Johnny, why not play doctor-doctor?”
Johnny lets out a puff of smoke, “Nah, that’s too old fashioned.”
Johnny takes another drag, “Spit out your gum, I want to play President.”
Little Johnny had never had sex in his life, so his buddy Billy told him that he’d take him to a girl that would teach him a few things. He agrees.
Later, little Johnny’s in a room with the girl. She takes off her clothes, and asks him, “Do you know what I want?”
Little Johnny says, quite honestly, “No.”
She lies down on the bed, and asks him the same question again.
Again he answers, “No.”
Now, she’s not sure exactly what to do, so she spreads her legs all the way; we’re talking *spread-eagle*! She asks, “Now do you know what I want?”
Little Johnny answers, “Yeah. You want the whole fuckin’ bed to yourself.”
Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that “Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls, and would his mother please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this.”
So Johnny’s mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door.
“First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse.”
So Johnny unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.
“Ok, now take off my skirt.”
And he takes off her skirt.
“Now take off my bra.”
Which he does.
“And now, Johnny, please take off my panties.”
And when Johnny finishes removing those, she says, “Johnny, PLEASE don’t wear any of my clothes to school any more!”
Johnny was visiting a friend of his in New York during the winter. He and his friend went outside to play in the snow. After about an hour, his friend’s mother called them back inside and had them remove their galoshes and gloves. Johnny’s friend’s mom was a tall, voluptuous, woman who would warm her son’s hands by putting them between her thighs. So as usual, when her son came in from playing in the snow, she asked if his hands were cold, to which he replied, “Yes”.
She then put them together and stuck them between her warm thighs. After a few minutes, she asked “Are they warm yet?”
The little boy said, “Yes”.
Johnny watched his friend and waited his turn. His friend’s mom then asked him if his hands were cold, to which he replied, “Yes”.
So she took his hands, put them together and stuck them between her thighs. After a few minutes she asked if his hands were warm yet and he said, “Yes”.
So she took them out.
Johnny continued to stand there with a sly shit eating grin on his face.
When the mom asked, “Well what is it now, Johnny? What’s wrong?”, Johnny looked up at her and replied, “My ears are cold too!”
Little Johnny is passing his parents’ bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, little Johnny exclaims “Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?”
Daddy, relieved that Johnny’s not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees.
Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out “Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!”
Lil’ Johnny and his friend were at school and heard the word “penis” while they were playing on the school yard. Johnny’s friend asked him if he knew what a penis was.
Lil’ Johnny said he didn’t know but would ask his dad when he got home. That evening, Johnny asked his dad, “Dad, what’s a penis?”
His father said, “Son, I’ll not only tell you, I’ll show you.”
So they went into the bathroom. Pop lowered his pants and proudly announced, “Son, that’s a penis. Not only is it a penis, but it’s a perfect penis!”
The next day at school, Lil’ Johnny found his friend and took him into the bathroom. Johnny lowered his pants and said, “See that? That’s a penis.”
He paused for a moment and added, “Not only is it a penis, but if it were two inches shorter, it’d be a perfect penis!”
Little Johnny’s father walks into the bathroom and catches him masturbating. He says, “Son, every time you do that you kill an innocent baby.”
The next day his father walks into the bathroom and catches him again.
Johnny says, “Bow your head, Dad. Can’t you see we’re having a funeral?”
In school one day the teacher decided that in science class she would teach about materials. So she stood in the front of the class and said, “Children, if you could have one raw material in the world what would it be?”
Little Stevie raised his hand and said, “I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche.”
The teacher nodded and called on little Susie.
Little Susie said, “I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette.”
The teacher smiled and then called on little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up and said, “I would want silicon.”
The teacher said, “Why Johnny?”
He responded by saying, “Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!!”
Little Johnny and his parents went on vacation and decided to spend a day at a nude beach. After an hour in the sun, his father went for a walk while little Johnny played in the water.
After a while little Johnny came up to his mother and said, “Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!”
His mother said, “The bigger they are, the dumber they are.”
So little Johnny went back to play. Minutes later little Johnny returned and said, “Mommy, I saw men with pee-pee’s a lot bigger than daddy’s.”
The mother said the same thing, “The bigger they are, the dumber they are.”
Little Johnny went back to play and several minutes later he ran back to his mother and said, “Mommy, I just saw daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw, and the more he talked, the dumber he got…”
Little Johnny enters a grocery store and walks up to the manager and asks, “Do you have any grapes?”
Manager says, “No we don’t have any grapes.”
Next day, little Johnny again walks into the grocery store and goes up to the same manager. “Got any grapes?”
Manager says, “No! And if you come back and ask for grapes again, I’ll staple your feet to the floor!”
Next day, here comes little Johnny again, same grocery store, same manager. “Got any staples?” asks little Johnny.
“No,” says the manager.
“Then ya got any grapes?”
A third grade school teacher was trying to explain to her class the difference between singular and plural. She said, “What do you call it if one woman looks out a window?”
Charlotte said, “Singular.”
The teacher said, “That’s right Charlotte. Now, what do you call it if three women are looking out of a window?”
Little Johnny raised his hand and blurted out, “A whorehouse!”
Little Johnny and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. Little Johnny finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.
He says, “Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.”
His grandfather replies, “I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t. It’s too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.”
Little Johnny runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.
His grandfather hands Little Johnny five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later he comes back out and hands Little Johnny another five dollars.
Little Johnny says, “Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars.”
His grandfather replies, “I know. That’s from your grandma.”
The teacher walked into the classroom to find words like “cunt” and “cock” scrawled all over the blackboard. She suspected Little Johnny, but could not prove it.
“Children,” she said, addressing the classroom, “you are much too young to use vile language like that. Now we’re all going to close our eyes and count up to fifty. Then, while our eyes are closed, I want the little boy or girl who wrote those words on the board to tiptoe up and erase them.”
At the signal, the teacher and the children all closed their eyes. Then the teacher counted out loud, very slowly. She peeked and saw Little Johnny leave his seat. When she reached fifty, she said, “All right. Everybody open their eyes.” She was very pleased with Little Johnny for doing the right thing.
All eyes went to the blackboard, but none of the words were erased. Below them was the message: “Fuck you, teacher! The Phantom strikes again!”
The third grade teacher was teaching English and repeated for her class.
“Mary had a little lamb, whose fleece was white as snow /
And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go.”
She explained that this was an example of poetry, but could be changed to prose by changing the last line from “the lamb was sure to go” to “the lamb went with her.”
A few days later she asked for an example of poetry or prose. Little Johnny raised his hand and recited,
“Mary had a little pig, and ornery little runt /
He stuck his nose in Mary’s clothes, and smelled her little cunt.”
So Little Johnny said, “And for prose,change the last line from “and smelled her little cunt” to “and smelled her little asshole.
In biology class the teacher asked, “Can anyone tell me why a flounder is flat?”
Little Johnny raised his hand.
“Go ahead, Little Johnny.” the teacher replied.
“My uncle told me it’s because a whale raped the flounder,” said Little Johnny.
“That’s terrible, Little Johnny. I’ll have to speak to your parents about this. Let’s try another one. Why does a lobster’s eyes protrude from its head?” asked the teacher.
Again Little Johnny raised his hand.
“We’ll give you another chance,” stated the teacher.
“My uncle said when the whale raped the flounder, the lobster saw it, and his eyes popped out in shock!”
One day, when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word “penis” in tiny letters. She turned to the class,scanned the boys and girls, looking for the guilty face. Finding not a guilty face in the bunch, she quickly erased the blackboard and began her class.
The next day, the teacher went into the classroom and noticed, in larger letters this time, the word “penis” scrolled on the blackboard. Again, she looked around the classroom in vain for the culprit, but found none. And so, the teacher erased the blackboard and proceeded with the day’s lesson.
Every morning, for about a week, the teacher went into the classroom and found the same word written on the blackboard, each day, scrolled larger than the previous day. Finally, one day, the teacher walked into the classroom expecting to be greeted by the same word on the Board. Instead, she found scrolled on the blackboard: “The more you rub It, the bigger it gets!”
The End… for now.